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These were the last words uttered by a man during my first sexual encounter after a seven-year hiatus from homosexuality. Immediately I burst into tears—onto his dick. I was single for the first time since my early twenties and I was terrified. I quietly cried as I pulled my pants back on and hoofed it to my car where I sat contemplating the new reality of HIV in my dating life. After coming out at 16, before the dawn of the apps, I fumbled around high school and college attempting to date, which ended up largely unsuccessful.

And then, surprisingly, at the end of undergrad, I stumbled into a relationship—with a woman. I think I just genuinely fell in love with her, as a person. And, yes, our sex was amazing, but let’s be clear, I’m gay. As in, never-ate-her-out, firmly-on-this-end-of-the- Kinsey-spectrum gay. After this stint, I flailed my way back into the testosterone-laden waters of man- dating , ill-equipped to deal with things like HIV. And the more I attempted to discover about the virus, the more I realized that I wasn’t alone.

My friends would often give vague non-answers to my questions, or avoid the topic completely.